For the Fathers or Birth Partner

For the Fathers or Birth Partners

Dad comforting Mom during contraction.

The moment mom tells you, “I think this is it.” Your heart will begin to race, your stomach will drop, and you will start saying these statements in your head over and over “I’m not ready….. It is happening too fast.” Fathers do not get much training in birthing classes yet are expected to take on a significant role with mom at the hospital. Generally nurses choose nursing as a career because they want to care for and help their patients, however, with insurance requirements and staffing ratios, nurses are expected to care for several patients at the same time. The hard facts are that if one nurse is caring for 4 patients, she may only be able to spend 15 minutes with each patient per hour. She needs to routinely check on the progress of labor, heart rate of mom and baby, blood pressure, temperature, and fetal well-being every hour. Although the nurses may wish to spend more time with the mom giving massages, helping mom change positions, and using different techniques for pain management, they are simply unable to do this due to time constraints. Fathers often feel anxious, uncertain what to do, and may feel abandoned in the hospital room. Most fathers feel relieved to have an experienced person in the room with the laboring mom. This way they are not expected to bear the sole responsibility of meeting all of mom’s needs. It enables the father to be relaxed so that he can be loving, emotionally available, and give mom his support in his own way. The father should not have to worry about medical jargon, try to remember the different stages of labor, and techniques for pain management while trying to lovingly reassure mom that she is doing a great job.

Here are some possible situations
you may find yourself
in during childbirth.
Ask yourself how you would feel
and how you would handle the situation?

1. Mom is in prelabor and wakes up every 15 - 20 minutes moaning.

2. Mom does not accept your suggestions for relaxation or coping? She tells you, "Don't touch me." or "Leave me alone."

3. You are tired and hungry and mom needs your help with every contraction.

4. The nurse is annoying and upsetting mom.

5. Mom tells you "This is too hard," "I can't do it," " I am too tired," "Don't make me do this," and asks you, "How much longer."

6. Mom vomits or needs to vomit.

7. Mom is in pain and begins to cry and tenses her muscles.

8. Mom begs you to ask the doctor for an epidural although she told you NOT to allow her to get one because she wanted to have natural childbirth.

9. Mom clings to you and says, "Help me."

In no way would a doula believe that she could replace or separate a father from his role in the birthing of his child. He plays a key role with the mother and in child's life. The doula is only there to help the family in enriching the birth experience by helping mom through the labor and aid dad in assisting mom as well.

"One of the most positive recent developments in maternity care from the point of view of the parents is the addition of the doula to guide and support women and their partners through labor and birth. A doula is trained and experienced in provideing emotional support, physical comfort, and nonclinical advice. She draws on her knowledge of and experience with birth as she reassures, encourages and empathizes with the mother. A doula cannot and does not try to take over the role of the birth partner, who knows the mother better and loves her as no one else does. But there are times when a woman needs more than one helper in labor." The Birthing Partner by Penny Simkin

"One father described a doula this way: "...ready, willing, and able to help me do the best job I could. She showed me how to rub Mary's back, reminded us to try the lunge, and got me a bagel when I was really hungry. She kept encouraging us. She seemed so confident. A lot of the time both she and I were helping Mary. I was holding her during the contractions, and our doula was pressing on Mary's back and helping her breathe. Our doula even gave me a shoulder rub in the middle of the night. Without her, the birth wouldn't have been so great for both Mary and me. The doula helped me do a better job." The Birthing Partner by Penny Simkin

What father, Darrell Stolarchuck, says about having a doula supported birth

Long labor

· Your wife will kill you if leave to eat or God forbid you sleep or even sit down. No guilt for you and not as much hate from the mom (when she says she has done everything and you have done nothing!)

Knowledge

· If you take labor classes you WILL forget 50% right off the top and when you are in the stress of the situation you will forget the other 50%.

· Things change during labor. When the doctors and nurses ask you questions you can have a 3rd party there and access their knowledge to help you make an informed decision.

Experience

· Doulas are usually called to the clients house well before you decide to head off to the hospital and can help advise when its time to go. When you hear that people are in labor for 36 hours, chances are the actual labor did not start. In fact they usually went to early to the hospital and waited or even worse doctors decided to induce. Most people get into pre-labor, panic, and head off.

· Everyone will give you advise on labor based on their experience which may or may not be good. Only a doula with experience has encountered almost every kind of birth. And keep in mind they are there from the start to the end. In most cases the doctors and nurses are in the room for a few minutes at a time until the actual event. Doula’s support women thru the majority of their contractions and often know what’s happening in labor by just observing the mother.

Support

· Doulas have numerous ways to help cope with the pain. Although they can not make it go away, they can make it more manageable.

Empowerment

· Both Mom and Dad feel stronger and have more control over the situation rather than feel panicky and out of control.

· A few fathers may or may not be able to attend the birth due to out of town work or other oblegations. In this case even if you are able to return home for the birth, your wife will feel a lot better when you are way if there is someone there who can help.

· Third party. People who are really close to the mom can be the worst to have bedside. Mommies usually let their experience with birth cloud their judgment. Also when mommy, sister or husband see the mother in pain its very tough to make decisions and be confidant its the right one.

While in labor my wife often said "I can’t do it, I can’t do it". Even though she knew she damn well could. BUT she was in a lot of pain and at the time it felt overwhelming. But I learned that although I wanted to ask hosptials for drugs to help calm her down and make her more comfortable however that was exactly what moms do not want!! At that point moms are almost at the point of delivering and what she wants and needs is encouragement (yes you can…) and reassurance that its almost over. My wife would have killed me if I had been weak and gave in for her.

Imagine the birth is like running a marathon and YOU are going to start tomorrow. No experience! and little to no training! If you had a coach that ran with you all of the way it would not make it “easier” or “shorter” BUT:

· If you are thirsty they would bring you drinks.

· If your feet or back are sore they would give you a massage.

· If you get down they would constantly cheer you on.

· If you start to loose focus they kick your ass.

You still run the entire distance, so you still feel like you’re a winner and accomplished something but don’t think you would have a much better experience??? (rather than.. Running out of water, drinking too much water, running to fast, running too slow, sitting down and not getting up.)

"Sometimes even moms who have supported births have outcomes they do not want BUT because doulas help moms try their best and made knowledgeable decisions they feel like they tried everything they could and do not have any regrets."

— Written by Darrell Stolarchuck

Dad grabs a cat nap without any worry.

Doula is with mom for support.